With Midwest Media Expo cancelled, we decided to two an impromptu session, followed by our regularly scheduled session the next weekend. Gotta love when you have more D&D than originally planned! Things are really starting to pick up (especially behind the scenes for Basile.)
Note: This session is mainly battle heavy, although plot and story is involved. This session is also designed for players to drop in and out depending on their schedule, so while everyone is in the same party, characters may not be active during certain sessions.
- Ciaran (LVL5) and Basile (LVL7)
- Lorn (LVL 7)
- Marven (LVL6)
- Rheagar (LVL6)
- Neebs (LVL 7)
- Dwayne (LVL6)
- Alkaid (Lvl 5)
Back in town, the party chooses to rest for a while before completing their final task for the Lady of the Lake. Unfortunately, Kass has food poisoning and is at the Three Shepherds for most of the session recovering.
- Ciaran spends most of his time hanging out with Lorn, assisting the elf as he organized Duarf’s books and records. Lorn notices that the Neebs Fan Club has been purchasing a lot of land and reselling it, and quickly brushes it off. Duarf offers Lorn a position to help run the town, and gives Ciaran the job to sweep the floors (which was dirt) to Ciaran, who asked if he could have a job. While looking through Duarf’s contract book, Lorn notices that the Neebs Fan Club has been purchasing a lot of land and reselling it.
- Meanwhile, Marven and Rheagar visit Duarf to discuss purchasing a plot of land for Rheagar’s home on the shoulders. Nervous, Rheagar wants Marven to be the mediator, but has to talk to Duarf himself. The founder of the town doesn’t seem to remember his first encounter with Rheagar (though Rheagar’s testicles sure do remember.) After purchasing a plot of land, Rheagar goes to meet with two young builders: Redwald and Jamie. He offers them 10k gold to build his house, but Jamie demands 50k. In the end, they don’t take the job offer.
- Marven asks Duarf about Shale, curious as to why more people don’t go and eat her salted pork. Duarf explains that when he was an adventurer, he had met Shale and offered her to open up a dwarven tavern in his new town. However, her alcohol was too strong and people didn’t like her bold personality. She quickly became jaded of most people, as no one accepted her dwarven hospitality. Marven suggests that Shale should own her business rather than run it as a bartender, hoping that maybe he can get out of the enormous debt he racked up from eating too much salted pork.
- Neebs spends most of his time around town helping the poor and giving to charity. He works as a carpenter and helps an elderly man build his library in town. In the meantime, he also starts to grow a beard (but how, he’s an elf!)
- Dwayne assists H’rathen with building his church to Kord, which includes a sparring arena in the center. The two talk about themselves, and H’rathen learns that Dwayne came from an island northeast of Dwarvenshire that had broken apart into four smaller islands. Dwayne had left to grow stronger until he could return to stop the civil wars among his family.
- Alkaid finds Ellerd and Torg in the Three Shepherds and talk to them about Avandra. Alkaid suggests that they find a good place in town to set their way stone. During the conversation, Ellerd is clearing upset about Neebs and his obsession with himself as a god. Alkaid somewhat defends him by saying the fanclub offers delicious baked goods. Dwayne comes in after working with H’rathen and tells Ellerd that he will pay off the hefty tab the drunk has accumulated. At that moment, a member of the fan club comes in with a giant bouquet of roses from Neebs to give Torg. Ellerd orders more to drink, but Dwayne casts Glibness to convince Ellerd that if he takes one more drink, he will die. This stops him from building up his tab and from fighting Neebs.
- Meanwhile, Basile takes advantage of everyone scattered around town to go visit Ashisa in private. There, he tells her about a poison that killed someone close to him and asks for her assistance in figuring out what it was. He told her the symptoms: paralysis, asphyxiation, and glazed eyes. She accepted to help him and told him to come back in a week for an answer.
That night, Marven speaks with H’rathen about Kriss. H’rathen uses divination to speak with Kord and tells Marven that he is safe. (H’rathen then tells Marven that Lorn is a “punk ass bitch who is not wise and close to the Earth” (but I can’t remember the context, it was just hilarious.)
The group then meets at the well and ride their horses to the cemetery. Dwayne isn’t with them, instead talking to H’rathen about what they’re going to do and trying to decide if he will participate.
It starts to rain and makes it more difficult to see. Although Marven falls off his horse frequently, shouting “crud!” each time, they make it to the cemetery without incident. There, they face a Church Grim guarding the grounds.
Lorn walks into the cemetery, where the Church Grim looks at him and boofs once. Rheagar follows suit, earning another boof. Eventually everyone walks into the cemetery, even Ciaran – who is being pushed along by Basile. Then, Neebs chooses to shoot the dog and Rocky charges into it and tramples it. It disappears without a trace.
They continue into through the cemetery toward the mausoleum, where they see a statue of the Raven Queen inside the morgue. Neebs prays at the altar, requesting forgiveness for their deeds and a sense of neutrality settles around the area.
The open the coffins and retrieve a freshly embalmed man. They leave the woman and child behind, even though the child is a boy (and according to Neebs, even though he’s Ciaran’s age, he considers Ciaran a man and thought they should have took him.)
Outside, the rest of the group digs up nine more bodies, and Dwayne finally arrives as Lorn shrinks them down with a spell. Marven casts prestidigitation to clean everyone of dirt. They then make the trip to visit the Lady of the Lake.
The group stops at a cave to rest for the night, but are interrupted by a massive slug-like creature.
- Neebs shoots the first arrow but misses, while Lorn shouts to wake everyone up and attacks with a magic missile.
- Rheagar wakes up quickly and shoots his cross-bow, missing completely.
- The slug sprays a caustic acid on the group, burning everyone except Ciaran – who seems unfazed despite being right in front of it. Ciaran tries to shoot it in the face and instead hits the ceiling like a dumb ass.
- Marven retaliates by spitting entangling fire, while Basile tries to use his own eldritch blast and also misses widely.
- Alkaid rapid shoots two arrows, but his foot slips and he falls back on the slick ground.
- Dwayne teleports behind the slug and tries to cast magic missile, but the slug smacks him across the chest – causing a “Samoan man to look sunburned.”
- Neebs tumbles past the slug and shoots the slug with a Burning Hand spell. The fire doesn’t seem to cause damage, but his arrow pierces deeply.
- Rocky charges up and gores the slug, ripping it up and slamming it against the wall until it’s nothing but chunks of goo.
The rest of the night is uneventful as Lorn and Ciaran heal Dwayne of his severe burns. In the morning, they reach the Lady of the Lake, with Dwayne riding on Debbie with Ciaran. When they arrive, Marven looks for the Zephyr Rabbit but doesn’t find it.
They provide the ten men to the Lady of the Lake, who says that they made her job easier as she casts a spell to reanimate and contort them until they turn into monsters called Gray Renders – beasts that provide protection to those in their home. They all go off into the forest to protect the road.
Finally, she provides the group with the Zephyr Blade: a tree branch. The group argues over who should get it, and Rheagar eventually takes it. She tells him to thrust the end to the sky, and a bolt of lighting shoots down. She then tells him to point it to the remaining Gray Render, and a blast of fire slashes out and destroy it. Lastly, she tells him to toss it toward the lake. Rheagar chucks it as far as he can into the lake.
After heckling him for being gullible, Dwayne casts levitation to retrieve the Zephyr Blade, and they provide it to Marven to hold onto. The Lady of the Lake descends into the water, and Rocky wades out and cries that she’s gone.
Back in Dwarvenshire, Linderall, the leader of the Fang Reserve, carts in pieces of the massive red dragon. Marven is dismayed that he never had the chance to talk with him.
Around that time, Father Teegan invites the group to a “buy one get one free” special at The Heel, and says that he would appreciate a sponsor from Neebs and Associates to partake. Dwayne immediately leaves to take a shower after Father Teegan departs, claiming, “he touched me and I think I got something…”
Neebs plans to take advantage of the special, but first he separates from the group to speak with Duarf and take responsibility for their desecration of the cemetery.
As this is happening, Basile separates to visit Ashisa once more.
- There, he learns that she has determined the mystery poison to be Hemlock, a very potent and deadly poison. She says that she will need to order expensive ingredients, but Basile can collect others in the brambleshade outside of town.
- At that moment, Marven comes in and sees Basile. He calls him out, causing Basile to panic and tell him telepathically that Ashisa knows him as Asgore. Marven quickly apologizes, and the two make up a really bad excuse and try to pretend that they don’t know each other all that well. Ashisa mentions something about Asgore being a tiefling, but it’s lost as Basile coughs loudly and says that they can finish their conversation after Marven is done and backs off.
- Marven gives Ashisa a Cloak of Disguise as a gift, which he bought from Xi-Long previously. She is extremely grateful by the kind gesture and turns herself into a gnome. In return, she gives Marven six Cure Serious Wound Potions.
When Neebs visits the Neebs Fan Club, he is gifts with a gold and silver bow worth 100,000 gold. It is a sentient relic named Sadius – Bow of Gods, who claims that his purpose in life is to smite all evil. He commands Neebs to slay a foe worthy of Sadius’ power. Neebs immediately rushes out, screaming for Duarf in excitement.
Everyone gathers as Neebs challenges Duarf to a battle. Duarf wields two heavy flails, one in each hand, and prepares to battle.
- Neebs draws the bow, creating a force arrow that flies into Duarf’s chest and bounces off.
- Duarf moves to attack the bow, but Sadius counters and smacks him and Neebs in the head, nearly knocking the “elf” out. He demands that Neebs try harder and handle him better.
- Neebs shoots again, smacking into Duarf and causing him to rage. As he is knocked out, Sadius calls out to Marven, Ciaran, and Alkaid, demanding that one pick him up to battle. They all decline.
- Just as Duarf is about to kill the first thing he sees, Shale rushes out of The Last Call and tackles him, knocking him out.
- Basile steals Neebs’ potions to begin healing him, as per their agreement.
(Then, during the brief intermission involving grabbing pizzas, Marven and Rocky have a conversation – because Rocky can talk to gnomes now? They also test the Horn of Gondor by having Marven blow fire into it. The Orc still appears and begins to shoot arrows at Marven. Basile, Alkaid, and Rheagar all attack it and tear it to shreds.)
That evening, the Dragon-Born brothers come into the Three Shepherds and tell the group about their troubles with Rust Monsters in the dwarven mineral mines up north. they ask the party to assist them with the monsters after they spend a week resting, and the group agrees to help.
Then, they realize that Dwayne the Rock Gnome Johnson is in their presence, as he uses prestidigitation to make their goblin ears match their scale color. They rave about him and are clearly huge fans of his cooking. Dwayne gives them a meal on the house, and when Rheagar demands food, he gives him a live chicken.
Neebs then leaves to visit The Heel to take advantage of the buy one get one free sale, telling Sadius that they are going to conquer the mightiest foe. Sadius doesn’t understand the battle euphemism for sex with two women – one who is the strongest and one who is the most beautiful. When he does, he forces Neebs to zip up his pants and dive out of the window to fly around town all night in search of a worthy opponent.
The next morning, the group – including an exhausted Neebs – go out to find the treasure on his map. They head south and travel through the forest, taking the shorter and more dangerous path.
Along the forest edge, Ciaran and Alkaid both see the Zephyr Rabbit sitting on a tree stump in the clearing. Marven is ecstatic and rushes up, trying to talk to it. Instead, vines whip out and grab him, and the tree stump tries to eat him.
- Lorn identifies it as a Wolf in Sheeps clothing, and casts magic missile, severing one of the four vines. Rocky (somehow) breathes fire and hits Marven and the tree.
- Rheagar uses his Lions Roar Stance to give everyone strength against the monster.
- Neebs flies up and draws out Sadius, who refuses to attack such a measly creature. Instead, he uses his foot bow with the Burning Hands arrow to scorch it.
- Dwayne casts Suggestion to make the Wolf in Sheeps Clothing put Marven down, but it resists.
- Basile shoots an Eldritch Blast at the vines, while Ciaran shoots an arrow directly into the monster’s mouth, killing it.
While Lorn heals Marven, Sadius tries to convince Neebs that as soon as they battle a worthy foe, Neebs can have sex as much as he wants. However, Neebs is able to tell that the bow is lying to him. Basile argues with Neebs about how there are more important things in life than sex. Rheagar throws a bottle of Alchemist Sleep at Neebs, forcing him to rest. Lorn casts Layman’s Tiny Hut around them so everyone can sleep for the night.
During the night, Alkaid hears a slithering outside of the tent just before a massive Sepia Snake breaks through the wall.
- The Sepia Snake stares at everyone with its golden eyes, striking fear into the party and slowing us down. It then spits webbing at Marven and tangles him up.
- Rheagar charges at the snake to attack, but it bit and grappled.
- Marven blows fire through the webbing directly at the snake, burning it.
- Dwayne casts Blinding Color Surge to blind him, while Lorn casts Baleful Transportation to switch Rheagar with Rocky.
- Neebs tiredly points Sadius at the snake from his sleeping bag. Sadius says “not strong enough.” Neebs rolls over and goes back to sleep.
- Alkaid shoots an arrow with the new Collision Composite Bow he purchased from Xi-Long, knocking the snake back.
- Ciaran follows suit, and Basile backs him up by rushing up and slashing the snake with his new Vampiric Glaive.
- Angered, the Sepia Snake shoots more webbing at Ciaran and drops everyone to flee. Ciaran is stunned in a state of suspended animation.
Basile freaks out and starts cutting the webbing away from Ciaran with his dagger, shouting at Lorn to do something to save him. Lorn casts Dispel Magic, but it fails. Dwayne, however, is able to release Ciaran from his state with his own Dispel Magic. Ciaran has no memory of the snake attacking him.
After resting for the rest of the night, they continue forward and eventually find themselves in a druid’s grove. The druid – an older man with a scraggly appearance – stops them and asks them why they are there. Lorn speaks with him in druidic, explaining that they were passing through and mean no harm to his grove.
Occam, the shifter druid, agrees to escort them through safely. Everyone then searched for the Zephyr Rabbit. When they finally reach the end of the grove, Occam trusts them enough to say they can return for assistance if needed, and marks the location of his grove on Neebs’ map.
Eventually, they arrive to a clearing with a small grassy hill in the center surrounded by a magic alarm circle.
Marven suddenly realizes that he hasn’t eaten in forever, and swallows 27 weeks of rations.
Dwayne finds a squirrel and beings talking to it, asking if anything has every passed over the circle. The squirrel says no and goes on his way. With that, Dwayne walks past the circle, and a light flashes and the door in the hill opens.
They walk up to the door and it looks like it is wet with a sheen. Marven pushes open the door slowly, then realizes that his hands are stuck. Lorn softens the area around Marven’s hands to release him, but his hands are covered in the mud-like glue.
Inside the room it is dark, but Ciaran, Basile, and Lorn can see a doorway at the far end. The sounds of moving gears fills and echoes in the space, and two stone statues sit on opposite ends of the room. As the light enters, the statues begin to move toward them.
- Rocky activates an aura that allows people to concentrate during battle. Neebs then shoot Rocky with an arrow to teleport him into the room, since he’s too big to fit through the door.
- Rheagar uses his Lions Roar Stance to give everyone courage and strength, then rushes into pour a vial of Alchemist Mineral Acid onto the golem.
- Marven blows a blast of fire and entangles both of the golems.
- Ciaran and Alkaid stand back and fire arrows, while Basile gets spooked and misses his attack.
- Dwayne uses Boots of Dimensional Stride to teleport up to a golem and pour more acid onto it.
- The golems attack Rheagar and Marven, but Rheagar is able to block and counter with a swing of his sword. The golems then slam their arms together to create a loud ringing noise, but Marven and Rocky are able to shake off the effects.
- Rocky slams against a golem while Lorn casts Snake Swiftness to allow the team to make two attacks.
- Alkaid shoots an arrow, but misses and hits Rocky in the ass.
- Lorn, Neebs, Rheagar all attack with ease, beating down on the golems. Meanwhile, Ciaran’s arrows continue to glance off the armor, and Basile continues to miss each attack – seemingly unable to hit anything right in front of him.
- Rheagar uses a maneuver called Emerald Razor and his Belt of Mighty Blow to strengthen his attacks.
- Marven blows more fire and continues to entangle them and make them slower.
- Frustrated, Basile uses his Hideous Blow to charge his Vampiric Glaive with his Eldritch Blast, but misses.
- Dwayne casts Haste to attack, but the spell fails and he misses.
- The golems swing at Rocky and Rheagar. They miss Rocky (cause he’s just so fast) but manage to hit Rheagar. Rocky bashes his horn into the golem and breaks it into pieces.
- With one golem left, Neebs suddenly “sees a god” and flies off to satisfy Sadius.
- Dwayne throws a flask of oil onto the golem, telling Marven to light it on fire, as the golem smacks an arm into Rocky’s head. Yet somehow, Rocky is able to counter with 18 damage after rolling snake eyes.
- Lorn casts Splinter Bolt, which causes slivers of wood from his armor to shoot out and turn into javelins that strike the golem.
- After the golem is lit on fire with Marven’s breath attack, Dwayne shoots “The People’s Cross-Bow” and flexes. His shot misses.
- The golem grabs Rheagar and grapples him, throwing him into one of the walls and lodging him in the gears.
- Lorn reduces person on Rheagar to help him slip out of the gears, but is scraped by standing too close to the edge.
- While bitching about being a “freaking midget,” Rheagar shoots his cross-bow and misses, then eats the Zephyr Twinkie and gains some health back.
- Marven searches for the Zephyr Rabbit.
- Meanwhile, Dwayne overhears Rheagar and casts Silence on him to shut up his racist comments. Basile laughs and asks Rheagar to speak up, he can’t quite hear what he’s saying. Rheagar flips him off.
- Tired of this battle, Lorn casts Bite of the Werebear for Rocky to attack.
- Marven “throws a pokeball at the golem” – it crumples and breaks into pieces.
With the battle over, Rheagar smacks Dwayne, who grabs Rheagar and fake choke slams himself. He then acts like his is in severe pain. His performance is that of:
- A True WWE Wreslter
- An English soccer player
- A Member of the Miami Heat School of Acting
Basile moves onto the next door to sense for any thoughts on the other side. Marven joins him and hears painful groaning. (He then realizes he’s wearing gloves and takes them off, able to use his hands again.)
Inside the next room they see non-clockwork walls and instead find a man chained to the back wall. Bars are driven through his stomach, arms and legs, making it impossible to release him. The group recognizes him as a Hound Archon named Shamas.
He begs them to save him, but Dwayne and Basile notice that the glyph on the wall behind him is linked to detonate if the spikes are removed.
Those who are able to speak Celestial or Infernal ask him who chained him to the wall, and how long he had been there. He explains that they are within a Schalan Empire Temple, where nine wizards formed a council called The Nine Staffs that took control of the world. After a civil war, they fell apart and the world fell into the second age. This particular dungeon was created by a diplomat to torture enemies and to hide from danger. While he isn’t aware of how many years he has been prisoner, he tells them that the evil wizard Alkazion trapped him there after he was found snooping around for documents. He came here on his own free will, and would die forever if killed.
Lorn concocts the plot to use his Baleful Transposition to replace Shamus with another person. He summons a celestial monkey and switches them. When the monkey starts screaming, Lorn puts it out of his misery. Then, the wall explodes. Marven then goes into the first room to spit acid on the gears and destroy the walls.
With Shamus bleeding out, the group heals and bandages him and place him on top of Rocky to carry with them until he regained consciousness. The group walks into the next room and see a torture chamber with a rack, whips and chains, and an iron maiden. In the back corner is a bookshelf that Basile immediately runs to to start collecting books. There, he finds a secret lever that will open a door Lorn finds in the back.
While the group splits up to investigate the various items, Marven steps too close to the Iron Maiden, which opens its doors and slams him inside. He quickly activates his Immovable Rod to prevent it from fully closing and killing him.
- Alkaid shoots an arrow and electrifies the Iron Maiden Golem, slowing it down as it tries to eat Marven.
- Rheagar charges up with his Lion Roar and then attacks, as Lorn casts Rhino Rush on Rocky. The rhino charges into the Iron Maiden.
- Lorn uses Baleful Transportation to replace Rocky with Marven, saving the gnome and having Rocky take some damage.
- (Then, a debate happened regarding whether the Immovable Rod would be inside of Rocky, who is larger than the Iron Maiden itself, or would is glitch out and move. consensus says that Rocky would jaunt out of the Iron Maiden)
- Basile uses an Eldritch Blast on the Iron Maiden, finally hitting something that has no move speed.
- Dwayne uses prestidigitation to make it taste like pizza so Marven can eat it.
- Instead, Marven spits acid at the monster, followed up by Alkaid shooting another electric arrow.
- In response, the Iron Maiden Golem slams its door against Rocky, giving him nearly 40 damage. Rocky charges into the monster again.
- Ciaran ruses over to Marven to heal him with his Healing Belt while Basile shoots two blasts of Eldritch energy at the Iron Maiden Golem.
- Dwayne casts Sanctuary of Marven, who seems to keep getting into trouble, as he spits acid on the golem.
- Alkaid finall shatters the golem by shooting an electrified arrow into its face.
Before moving into the next room, every sits down for a few minutes to regroup and prepare to face whatever is next. They set Shamus off to the side out of danger. Basile senses thoughts in the next room, and Marven dispels the Glyph of Warning on the door.
Lorn casts Haste on the group, while Dwayne makes Lorn, Rocky, Alkaid, and Rheagar invisible. He then casts Sanctuary on Ciaran and himself, as well as blur. Finally, Lorn prays to Ioun, the God of Knowledge and Prophecy, to give them strength before the battle (much to Basile’s quiet annoyance.)
With everyone ready to battle, Basile pulls the lever and opens the door. Inside, they see a reddish yellow vapor floating in the center of an entirely clockwork room. The Noble Time Elemental is facing toward the other doorway, and doesn’t noticed them. The group slowly sneaks into the room and has the first opportunity to attack in unison.
- Lorn casts Flame Strike and quickens Rhino Rush before Rocky charges into the Time Elemental.
- Rheagar uses Lions Roar to give everyone a boost and runs up to his the Time Elemental with Torch.
- Alkaid shoots two collision arrows rapidly, slamming into its back.
- Suddenly, the floor begins to shift and move, turning around clockwise slowly. As Rocky passes in front of the Time Elemental, it takes a swing and misses as Rocky ducks.
- Marven jams his Immovable Rod into the clockwork wall to slow down the movement of the floor.
- Basile tells Ciaran to stay in the other room and not make a move before rushing in and attack the Time Elemental with his Eldritch blast.
- Dwayne casts Legion of Sentinels to summon four incorporeal warriors around the Time Elemental to attack him.
- Rocky gores its horn into the Time Elemental and bites it. Lorn tries to cast combust but his spell fails.
- The Time Elemental spins around to try and touch Rocky, but is unable to reach him. It screams in frustration as the floors shift.
- Alkaid shoots another collision arrow to knock it back as Marven blows entangling fire and spits acid on the gears.
- Basile uses his Vampiric Glaive and his Hideous Blow to stab into the Time Elemental.
- Dwayne and Lorn both cast Magic Missile, which explode around the Time Elemental.
- The Time Elemental screeches again and stops time. With everything frozen, it summons three other versions of itself from other points in time to position themselves and attack.
- When time resumes, Elemental 1 touches Rocky and makes him disappear from the timeline. Elemental 2 hits Marven and gives him 4 Cell Damage. Elemental 3 attacks Rheagar, but he is able to block it. Elemental 4 points at Lorn and makes him age backwards until he is 13.
- Rheagar activates his Emerald Razor to allow everyone to attack faster, and slices into the Time Elemental in front of him.
- Alkaid shoots three collision arrows into the Time Elemental, and Marven spits entangling acid at it.
- Basile strikes with his Vampiric Glaive and his Hideous Blow, draining life force from the Time Elemental.
- Dwayne uses Mirror Image to create five of himself to attack, while Lorn casts Combust and fails.
- The Elementals hit Rheagar and Lorn, giving them more Cell Damage.
- Rheagar finally swings around and ignites Torch, lighting the Time Elemental on fire and blowing it up from inside.
Everyone sits and heals for a brief moment, with Lorn and Ciaran cheering on Ioun for helping them so much – again to Basile’s annoyance as he realizes he has to babysit two children now.
In the next room, they find a skeleton slumped over a writing desk wearing robes and rings. In front of him is a book, and chained to his leg is a spell book. A treasure chest is in the corner of the room near the bed.
Ciaran checks the treasure for traps and finds an explosive rune. Dwayne dispels the magic and collects the treasure from inside, while Marven and Lorn gather the items off the skeleton. Basile reads aloud the letter the the man was writing, revealing that the body belongs to Alkazion, the wizard that had captured Shamus.
- Ciaran (LVL6) and Basile (LVL8)
- Lorn (LVL 9)
- Marven (LVL8)
- Rheagar (LVL8)
- Neebs (LVL 8)
- Dwayne (LVL8)
- Kass (Lvl 7)
The group gathers as many of the Schalan books that they can carry and begin to make their way back to town. Outside of the temple, Neebs is sitting on the top of the hill with Sadius, looking tired and frustrated after not being able to find “the god” that he saw.
The party sets up camp for the night. The only event to happen is Dwayne seeing an owl hooting at him. He tries to hoot back, and it flies away.
In the morning, they head back to Occam’s grove. When they arrive, they see Occam picking berries. At first Occam doesn’t realize that Lorn is now a child. The party asks him if he is aware that there is a Schalan temple and torture chamber just outside of his grove. He has no idea, but says he will look into it further. He then heals Shamus to bring him back to consciousness.
Shamus is unaware of where he is, seemingly having forgotten his entire experience in the temple. The team reminds him that he was rescued, and promise to help him find the closest way stone to return back to Pelor.
Before they leave the grove, Lorn makes a wooden yo-yo for Occam, and Ciaran teaches him how to use it. Ciaran and Lorn then get sidetracked sword fighting each other for fun.
After two weeks of travel, the team safely returns to Dwarvenshire. They lead Shamus to the way stone, and he asks them what year they are in. After learning that they are in the new Age, nearly 2,000 years later, he asks them what happened to Alkazion and the Arraignments. The group tells him that they found the Stormfire Ring, and Shamus tells them that the Arraignments belonged to the 8th Staff of Shala, Tarkan: Master of Storms. After sensing everyone’s alignment, he allows them to keep the ring and find the other arraignments. Shamus then leaves by the way stone to return to the Astral Plane.
In town, there are more buildings being made, including a restaurant with a sign featuring a red crown. Everyone splits up to run errands:
Kass meets up with the group again after a few weeks of resting and performing at the Phoenix. He joins Rheagar, Ciaran, Basile, and Lorn to visit Xi-Long.
- Lorn asks the merchant if he can be healed. Xi-Long says that it will take a very powerful spell, but he could try.
- As he’s preparing the spell, Basile tries to steal Lorn’s journal, knowing that he has a better shot while he’s a child than when he’s an adult. However, Lorn feels his bag moving and smacks Basile’s hand, asking why he’s trying to steal the book. Basile lies and says he just wanted to look at it. Lorn says he just needs to ask, which Basile will “keep in mind” and offers to look through it with him.
- When Xi-Long is ready, Lorn spellcrafts to see that Xi-Long is using Mordenkainen’s Disjunction. He hastily gives Ciaran his items to hold onto so it won’t damage the magic. While Xi-Long returns Lorn to his original age, Ciaran steals the journal and slips it over to Neebs, who tears out the page with Basile’s sketch portrait and eats it. He then returns it to Ciaran, who slips it back into the journal.
- Xi-Long then assists Rheagar with a Metalline enchantment to allow him to change the composition of his sword to various metals. Kass buys a Sonic Bow, and Basile picks up the Crystal of Lifekeeping and the Restful Crystal he ordered. He also purchases a Magic Bedroll.
Ciaran leaves to sit by the well to draw on pieces of parchment that he stole from Basile. Regis, the halfling, comes up to him and offers him a job opportunity. He tells Ciaran to meet with him at the Three Shepherds, and asks Ciaran if he wants anything. Ciaran wants a cake. He is brought a cake. As soon as his invitations are done, he runs around town to find his friends and invite them to his birthday.
In the courtyard, Rheagar overhears children playing and notices that they’re playing “adventurer” and pretending to be them. One of the larger kids notices him and points him out, and they all rush over to ask him questions about his adventures and if it was all true. Rheagar then tells them the story of how they found the Shalan Temple and defeated the Time Elemental.
Marven then visits Ashisa to thank her for the potions and to hope that she is doing well. It’s blatantly obvious that Ashisa likes Marven (it’s cute.)
Dwayne stops by the Church of Kord to speak with H’rathen about opening up an alchemy shop inside. H’rathen agrees, saying that Dwayne is always welcome. He then tells Dwayne to kneel and thank Kord. As Dwayne does this, he feels a sense of warmth wash over him.
Meanwhile, Neebs visits The Heel and starts singing Akon’s “I Wanna Love You Right Now” to the women inside, desperate to have sex.
- Father Teegan comes up to him and asks why he’s singing, saying that it is very disturbing and upsetting the women. Neebs explains that he can’t have sex because Sadius won’t let him. Father Teegan casually puts him on the Crazy List and asks him to leave or at least stop singing. He also suggests that Neebs “handle himself” if he’s so desperate.
- After he leaves, Neebs goes to visit with the elderly man building the library. He talks to him about masturbation, nearly giving the man a heart attack from the topic. He suggests that sometimes a visual can help “inspire coitus,” so Neebs runs off to find the best artist in town to draw him porn.
- He learns that Cantankerous is the best artist. He visits him and offers to pay him 50 gold to draw a sexy picture of Torg. Cantankerous is hesitant, saying he needs to has to see what he’s drawing. Neebs says to just watch her closely, to which Cantankerous says is stalking.
Two men then knock at the gates. Cantankerous opens the gates to allow two travelers entry. One of a blonde man limping with a halberd, and the other is a tall man covered head to toe in black armor with two flails.
Neebs greets them and asks them if they are able to draw a picture for 50 gold. The blonde man says he’s a famous artist and produces a generic sketch of a goliath woman from his bag. Neebs explains that it has to be Torg – who the man recognizes, of course! The man in the armor asks why he needs this drawing. Neebs explains that Sadius won’t let him have sex, and the blonde man is able to convince Sadius that the more sex Neebs has, the stronger he will become. Sadius then tells Neebs to go back to The Heel to marathon for two days.
The two men then see Ciaran running around with the invitations. The blonde man asks why Ciaran is so excited, and he explains that it’s his birthday and he’s inviting his friends to his party. He says that he asked for different things that his friends can do – such as magic, breathing fire, and cooking well – as well as various items including a pet and an instrument. The blond man asks Ciaran why he never tried to do those things on his own, to which Ciaran explains he never though to try because he’s just an elf. However, he would try to learn it all on his own.
Lorn and H’rathen meet up to discuss the invitation that Ciaran gave them, and learns that Lorn thinks of him only as an acquaintance. His feelings are hurt.
Later at the Three Shepherds, Ciaran visits Regis and his bodyguards with Basile and Lorn beside him.
- Regis explains that the man building the library has lost a key to a chest in his room at the Three Shepherds. He asked Regis to find someone who is good at opening locks to do so and leave the room untouched. Ciaran can work there until he is able to slip inside and complete his task.
- Ciaran, unaware that he’s helping a thief, is ready to accept when Lorn interrupts and says that there is no reason for Ciaran to have to sneak around if the man asked for help.
- Regis offers them a second job offer, one that would require some additional help from Lorn if he is interested. They have to sneak into the Fang Reserve and open up a box located under Linderall’s bed. He offers them $2,500 gold each.
- Lorn asks Basile telepathically what he thinks about the whole situation. Basile shrugs and explains that he and Ciaran have lived as thieves, but thinks Regis is slime. So he comes up with the plan to warn Linderall, and then come back with “proof” of completing the mission. They can then take their gold and have Regis arrested.
- Lorn, Basile, and Ciaran accept the job and go to the Fang Reserve to warn Linderall. He provides them a document with his signature that can only be found in his room to prove that they were there. They then stay for an hour before sneaking out of the window.
- Basile then goes off to visit H’rathen to ask him to warn the guards of Regis’ plans. H’rathen explains that Regis had just come in for a divination, and Basile asks him to tell him what Regis asked about. At first, H’rathen is hesitant, but Basile lets himself turn visible to speak more directly with him. That’s when H’rathen mentions that Basile has red blotches on his face, which Basile brushes off as a sunburn before going back to the subject. He explains that Ciaran and Lorn were recently hired, and that’s when H’rathen tells him that the divination said that the employees would not keep their word.
- Convinced that Regis now has to die to help protect Ciaran, H’rathen suggests fighting him in the Temple of Kord to ensure it is a lawful battle. In a slight panic, Basile rushes back to Lorn and tells him that Regis knows they lied. With the idea of challenging Regis to a battle, they gather everyone together.
- They visit Regis and try to lie that they completed their job. When that doesn’t work, Lorn challenges Regis to clear the air with a battle under Kord’s watch as a way to absolve them from their lies. Regis declines adamantly, clearly a coward, but insists that he is only trying to help Dwarvenshire. The group continues to try and get him to fight, even offering to have him fight an imaginary friend, which Dwayne (aka Bruce Dwayne) summons with an illusion. There is also something about “The People’s Ass.” However, they are unable to make Regis agree. Instead, Dwayne and Basile wait until everyone has left. Basile is ready to slaughter Regis once everyone left, but Dwayne casts Suggestion to make him confess his sins the next morning publicly. This satisfies Basile enough to not murder him.
- Meanwhile, Marven went to the Fang Reserve to talk to Linderall to ask what is in the box that is so important to Regis. He learns that spoils from his battle with the dragon were inside, including gems and scales.
- Lorn goes to visit Duarf to see if he can have Regis kicked out, but without proof of Regis committing an illegal act, he can’t do anything.
The next day, Regis stands in the center of town and begins his confession, but pauses and doesn’t say anything. When he snaps out of his Suggestion, he doesn’t remember why he’s there. Neebs and Dwayne lie saying that Regis has confessed to his sins, and he is visibly distraught. His guard tries to explain that Regis didn’t confess anything, but Basile covers his mouth. Unfortunately, he is grabbed and body slammed onto the ground.
To avoid a fight, Dwayne casts Glibness to convince Regis that they already know his sins, and he confesses that he was involved in a murder in his home town of Shaytir. He left for Dwarvenshire to start a new life, as this town was made to welcome all people and leave the past behind. However, he assures he hasn’t done anything illegal since then.
Clearly unable to find a way to prove that Regis is up to no good, the party leaves it be (after sticking with it for too long) and the crowd disperses. They run into the leader of the Neebs Fan Club, a woman named Jennifer Forlan, while in the crowd.
H’rathen comes up to the group wearing a party hat and reminds them that Ciaran’s birthday party is today. While it was originally going to be at the Three Shepherds, he offers to host it at the Temple of Kord.
There, everyone gives Ciaran gifts he asked for on his wish list (surprising Basile, who has never been able to provide Ciaran with the gifts he has asked in the past.)
- Dwayne casts Greater Invisibility on Ciaran, turning him invisible. He also helps Ciaran bake a birthday cake (in addition to the one has asked from Regis.)
- Kass gives him a guitar with etched carvings and designs in the wood.
- Lorn gives him a pet Duck, which he names Vincent.
- Marven gives him an Eye of the Blazing Arc eye patch, allowing him to breath fire.
- Rheagar gives him a sword which he will enchant at a later date.
- Neebs gives him his foot bow, no longer needing it as he has Sadius.
- H’rathen helps Ciaran talk to the gods by telling him to pray at the altar to Kord.
While he’s praying, he casts Stone Shape to make the stone read “Happy Birthday Ciaran – Kord.” Meanwhile, Lorn casts the same spell and write “and Ioun” next to it. H’rathen and Lorn continue to fight over who the message would be from, and in the end both remain. Ciaran is ecstatic when two gods wished him a happy birthday, including one that he had never prayed to before! He thanks everyone for their gifts, exclaiming that it was the best birthday he ever had.
With magic being the last thing that Ciaran asked for on his list, Lorn begins to offer him something to assist him. However, Ciaran waves his hands and casts Dancing Lights himself – now a Factotum capable of copying anything he sees.
As this is happening, Marven eats Ciaran’s birthday cake. Everyone knows he did it, even though they didn’t see. So Lorn casts a spell to create a 15×15 foot cake for everyone to eat. Even Sadius wants cake, seeing it as a worthy foe.
Inspired, Sadius demands that he, Dwayne, and Neebs make cupcakes to sell through the Neebs Fan Club. They go to the club to begin baking, and ask Jennifer to assist them (and by assist, Neebs casts Disrobe on her to sleep with her to become stronger, and Dwayne succeeds a tumble check to join in.)
While the party continues, H’rathen pulls Basile over to the side and asks him if Ioun really did write in the stone. Irritated, Basile goes to Lorn to ask if he was the one who did the second stone shape. Lorn denies it, swearing that it was Ioun himself. Shaken, Basile tells H’rathen that Ioun was the one who wrote it.
He then asks H’rathen if he would divinate for him. He explains that he had a prophecy about his death and wanted to know if it was still valid. H’rathen attempts to ask Kord, but the bowl cracks and shatters – not exactly a good omen.
The next day, Shale finds Marven and says it’s time to pay part of his tab. He tries to get out of paying 900 gold be offering to work for her. She agrees and makes him clean every inch of The Last Call.
While working, Marven runs into the two men who taught Ciaran to become a Factotum while they play chess. He asks them their names, to which they reply Dick Grayson and Sixty Six. Dick recognizes those “crazy dragon fuckers” when Marven asks about Ebbonfire. Eventually, Sixty Six gets frustrated with the chess game and breaks the board with his flail before they leave Marven to clean up the mess. Marven later tells the team that he doesn’t trust them, and Lorn recognizes the description of the flails as symbols of Hextor – an evil god of Serpents and Death.
After two days, Marven has paid off his debt. After seeing how much she pays, he asks for a job and says he can be paid in pork. She accepts.
During this time, Dwayne has been making potions and poisons to sell. Basile purchases a Healing Salve, and offers to make a deal with Dwayne. If Dwayne makes salves and potions for Basile, he’ll assist Dwayne in the future.
Lorn also later asks Basile if he has messed with his journal, noticing the ripped out page. Basile admits that that he did try to steal the book to look at it previously, but swears that he didn’t tamper with the journal in any way. When he learns that his portrait was the page that was removed, he mentions that “it’s not that bad then. I prefer that my face isn’t displayed anywhere” aka “please don’t draw me.” Lorn purchases a new journal and some special inks from Dwayne to make it impossible for someone to read. One of the inks can only be seen with Dark Vision, and Lorn makes sure that Basile sees him write “Don’t take me book, last warning.”
By the end of the week, the group decides to sign up for the Fang Reserve. They see that every challenge is called for except to collect 15 Hydra Heads – which has been reserved by Dwayne the Rock Gnome Johnson and Friends. The group heads off to the Black Swamp passed the Lady of the Lake to find the Hydra.
On the mountain pass, they are attacked by a huge red dragon. As it roars and swoops down at them, everyone except Rocky, Dwayne, and Marven are frightened. The group hides while the dragon blows a blast of fire at the three remaining adventurers, giving 79 damage. It then continues past toward Dwarvenshire.
While Basile and Rheagar aren’t interested in going after the dragon, the rest of the party rushes after it. Sadius is eager, finally seeing a foe worthy of its strength – and is certain that Neebs can kill it after the copious amount of sex he has had. Marven flies up and shouts “Stop, vile dragon!” to get her attention, and she flies back around.
She approached him, and he asks her who she is and who she is after. She replies that she is Adagrandulous, and she is after the man who took her child away from her.
Marven pretends that he is Pendralar, the Scaled Fury, the Unchained Calamity and the Grand Armageddon. Lord of the Eternal Bog and what lies beneath, he who lies in wait. He convinces her that he will retrieve Linderall the murderer to her. She gives him one week, or else she will destroy Dwarvenshire and take one of his own companions for each day he is overdue. Adagrandulous flies away, and Rocky poops.
The team rushes back to Dwarvenshire to warn everyone of the dragon.
- Rheagar is in a panic, rushing around town and screaming “mature red dragon!” while Cantankerous rings the emergency bell. The group rushes to tell Linderall and Duarf.
- Linderall agrees to help the party defeat the dragon. Meanwhile, they learn that Duarf has drank himself into a stupor, as it is the anniversary of his daughter’s death. With one of the strongest people in Dwarvenshire down for the count, Linderall informs them that they need to purchase items that repel fear, potions against fire damage, and plenty of healing items. They discuss that the best place to fight her is either in her lair, where she may have it trapped but she can’t fly, or on the path away from Dwarvenshire.
- Marven and Kass go to Ashisa to collect potions to protect them. They ask her if she will be willing to make 20 Fire Resist Potions. She says she doesn’t have all the ingredient, and will need essence of fire elemental to make enough.
- The group visits H’rathen to convince him to join them for one more adventure, as they are in desperate need of someone who can heal them on the field. H’rathen is concerned that he isn’t a high enough level. Marven and Kass join up and tell Lorn to summon fire elementals for H’rathen to battle. He can level up and they can collect the ingredients Ashisa needs.
- H’rathen makes quick work of the elementals, and is left exhausted. On the ground, Lorn summons a monkey to kick him in the dick as they gather the ingredients. They drop off the spoils to Ashisa so she can get to work. As they head to Xi-Long’s cart, they see Shale crying on the steps of The Last Call. Marven asks her what’s wrong, and they learn that Duarf is dead.
- The group rushes to Duarf’s quarters, with H’rathen in the lead, and find him on his bed. They check and find magical residue on him, as well as a bludgeon to the back of the head. The group is unable to find any clues to the murderer. Lorn attempts to reincarnate him, but he doesn’t return.
- Basile, Rheagar, and Lorn rush off to Xi-Long to get a Resurrection Scroll that can save Duarf, as well as to collect supplies for the battle. When they arrive, Xi-Long is already crafting a Resurrection Spell that Neebs had requested. They realize that Neebs was the one who had killed Duarf to gain experience before the battle.
- Neebs explains that the resurrection spell can wait for now, as Duarf can be protected by Shale. Right now, they need supplies for the battle. Xi-Long agrees to craft them a Banner of Storm Eyes to help prevent them from fearing the dragon. Rheagar purchases an Auquan Ranseur, and Basile purchases an Amulet of Emergency Healing just in case.
- The last thing they do is find Dick and Sixty Six to see if they will join them in battle. Rheagar explains the dire situation to them, but Dick changes the topic by pointing out that Dwayne is a noble from the Akila tribe in the north, and asks why he’s so far south. Basile reels him back in and bluntly asks if he wants to join them or not. When they decline, they leave to finish preparing for the battle.
When the week is over, the party ties up Linderall in fake manacles and use the portal in the well to travel to Goblin’s Peak. Before they go, Ciaran is conflicted about whether he should join them or stay in Dwarvenshire. Everyone believes that Ciaran should fight with them, but Ciaran blurts that Basile doesn’t want him to go because if he dies, Basile does too. Marven and Dwayne catch this, and Ciaran quickly adds that he means Basile will die “on the inside.” Marven believes it, but Dwayne doesn’t. Eventually, Basile allows Ciaran to join them, knowing that having him in his sight may be safer than leaving him behind.
They head up the mountain to Adagrandulous’ lair, and hear her roar over the cliffs. At that moment, everyone prepares their spells. They down a fire resistant potion, and Lorn and Dwayne cast Haste and Blue on everyone. Dwayne also makes Ciaran invisible, while Lorn casts Fly on Rocky, Rheagar, and himself. H’rathen casts Fell the Greatest Foe onto Rheagar and Rocky. Kass begins to play his pan flute to imbue courage into everyone, and wears the Banner of Storm Eyes to protect everyone around them. Ciaran casts his Protection Devotion, but instead of a profane boost, a divine boost of power is shared among them all. Lorn casts Bite of the Wereboar on Rocky and prays to Ioun for protection and strength. Lastly, Linderall uses a wand to cast nerveskitter.
As Adagrandulous lands before them, Marven announces that he has brought the murderer, as Linderall is wearing armor made from the scales of her son. She tells them to leave Linderall behind and return to Dwarvenshire.
- Neebs lifts Sadius and announced, “This is the first day of the last of your life,” and fires. Sadius’ fires two arrows, and they both glance off her scales.
- Enraged, she roars that Pendralar lied to her. Marven shrugs and says, “well, I am a Black Dragon,” before spitting entangling acid at her. Although she is entangled, the acid does no damage as her amulet glows green.
- Dwayne casts Greater Mirror Image and creates 5 copies of himself to run around and confuse her.
- Rheagar uses his Lions Roar and flies up to attack, but gets too close to her mouth and is bit. Regardless, he stabs his aquan ranseur into the dragon’s neck.
- Dwayne uses the Stormfire Ring to create a burst of faerie fire than surrounds the dragon and crackles.
- Rocky flies up and charges after Lorn casts Rhino Rush. He slams into the side of the dragon and gores it. Lorn then attempts to cast Downdraft to bring the dragon to the ground, but it fails. He quickens meta-magic to try it again, but it still fails.
- Kass shoots a sonic arrow at the dragon, nicking it in the chest.
- Ciaran borrows Lorn’s Hammersphere and uses it to smash against the dragon, as Basile flies up with his Fell Flight and shoots a blast of eldritch energy from behind.
- Linderall breaks from his manacles and shoots a few arrows, as H’rathen casts Shield Other on Kass to protect him.
- The crown on Adagrandulous’ head glows and she blows a blast of sleep gas at Rocky, Rheagar, Marven, and Linderall. All of them fall asleep except Rocky, who shakes it off.
- Rocky attacks as she moves backwards, raking her with his horn, and manages to break her concentration as she prepares a spell.
- Neebs quickens True Strike and Arcane Strike, and imbues his arrows with Chilled Touch. He rapidly fires three times and each one punctures the dragon’s armor.
- Dwayne snaps his fingers and shouts, “Wake your monkey asses up!” He casts Rouse to wake up Marven, Rheagar, and Linderall.
- Lorn casts Baleful Transposition to switch places between Rocky and Rheagar. Rocky Rhino Rushes and charges into the dragon once more.
- Dwayne shouts, “you’re going to have so much invisible poutang,” to Rocky, who looks back and winks.
- Ciaran and Basile repeat their attacks, with Ciaran using the Hammersphere and Basile shooting blasts of Eldritch energy.
- Linderall fires off a few arrows but misses, still groggy. H’rathen runs up to the dragon, but doesn’t cast a spell. Instead, when he hears Lorn shout what spell to cast, he mimics him in a high pitched voice.
- The dragon makes a full retreat and is 400 feet away. She begins to heal herself as Neebs fires an arrow and manages to hit her.
- Marven uses Cure Minor Wounds as Rheagar drinks a health potion. Dwayne casts displacement on Kass as nine copies of Dwayne rush around.
- Lorn casts Shield on him and Rocky and quicken cast Magic Missile, but is unable to conjure the spell properly.
- Kass heals Marven as Basile and Ciaran move off to the sides to avoid being in the center of the road.
- From 400 feet away, Adagrandulous shoots a Magic Missile at Neebs and knocks him down. He returns the fire, but his arrows are deflected.
- Maven shouts, “No wonder your son died, just look at his mother! Coward!” as Rheagar refreshes his maneuvers and prepares for her to return.
- Dwayne prepares “the most electrifying magic missile,” the the spell fizzles.
- Lorn activates his Pearl of Power to recall Expeditious Retreat to allow Rocky to charge straight at the dragon. However, he slams directly into a Wall of Force.
- Kass, Basile, Ciaran, and H’rathen dash closer to the dragon as Linderall summons a forest to grow around them to give them cover.
- Adagrandulous begins to fly toward them then suddenly vanishes, reappearing behind Neebs in the trees. She slams into him and makes him crash into the ground, killing him on impact.
- Marven rushes over and blows sickening breath.
- Rheagar casts Lions Roar again and flies up. She tries to attack, but he block and counters. He uses his Belt of Mighty Blow to attack a second time, cutting into her deeply.
- As Dwayne is preparing to cast magic missile, the crackling faerie fire around her finally seizes her and she falls to the ground.
Basile rushes up to Neebs and activates his Amulet of Emergency Healing to bring Neebs back to life, while H’rathen assists with healing to rouse him. Meanwhile, Lorn takes apart the dragon to collect parts to take to the Fang Reserve.
When Neebs is back on his feet, he and Ciaran find her lair and the team beings to count all of the gold and collect the magical items. Inside they find 100,000 gold pieces worth of treasure.
They spend the night gathering their supplies and healing before heading back to Dwarvenshire. As they arrive, the entire town is up and waiting for them. Cantankerous asks if they have succeeded, to which they all show their spoils. The town erupts into cheers, praising King Neebs, and Sadius is satisfied.