We’re back from our honeymoon and the first thing we wanted to do was jump back into D&D. It’s been a long time, and it’s going to be a crazy time. Without further delay, here’s what happened this session:



  • Ciaran (LVL18) and Basile (LVL20)
  • Lorn (LVL20)
  • Marven (LVL20)
  • Rhaegar (LVL 20)
  • Alkaid (LVL 20)
  • Dwayne (LVL 20)

Dwayne saunters up to the group and asks how everything is going, while Marven goes to The Lair to meet with Regis. Dwayne casts Major Illusion on Regis to make him look like a halfling again, but since he’s still a half orc he just looks down and sees the top of his head. Marven asks Regis to take a group of talented individuals to raid dungeons and find a gelatinous cube to chop into tiny bits to sell as jello shots.

Lorn gets Ciaran to help him with a task, and when they shake hands, neither of them remember what they were doing. What they don’t recall is having Ciaran hide Lorn’s phylactery somewhere in the world.

Alkaid and Dwayne visit Xi-Long to purchase Deathward armor and a True Resurrection Scroll so Dwayne can become the true Rock Gnome he once was. Dwayne then asks Basile if he can read the scroll to bring him back to life since he plans on dying that day. Once Basile checks to make sure Dwayne isn’t suicidal (unlike how he’s feeling) he agrees to ensure he comes back to life. Dwayne then goes to the Temple of Ioun to donate baklava. Judah eats a bite of baklava.

While in town, Can Tankerous shouts out ‘contingent” as a small army approaches. They are carrying flags picturing a golden field with a rose. Rhaegar recognizes it’s House Tyrell, and they come requesting for audience with Neebs and Associates ft. Dwayne the Rock Gnome Johnson. Loris are invited to Rhaegar’s, and Dwayne starts cooking for the guests. Marven eats most of the food. Loris explains that the High King is looking for assistance. The Commonwealth is being invaded by Dwayne’s homeland.

Dwayne explains that his kingdom is within the Western Water Federation (WWF) made up of small islands, with the main islands as Uwa’nakiamalu and Kir’bati. It is very reclusive and hard to visit. They hold celebrations or tournaments where fighters from the gnome community perform. The army was divided by a civil war, and three of the divisions were controlled by the nobles. Loris explains that the island is now unite by someone called The Undergnome. Loris would like the associates to assassinate The Undergnome. Rhaegar asks what’s in it for them, since they’re doing a big favor for the Commonwealth. The High King is willing to pay a hefty sum and make them all nobles.

During all of this, Hubert the young page, vows to challenge Marven once he’s an adult. Alkaid writes a note and gives it to the page to call dibs on Rugen’s home.

The group agrees to assist, and plan to leave the next day. Marven visits Ashisa or else he’ll probably get a divorce at this point. Dwayne sends a message to Balk Holgan, the Hulkster, to try and learn more about their home. Balk replies, saying resources are short on the island, but the Undergnome’s plans to invade are bringing in more food. He has the Hook of the Islands, and the noble family has vanished. He then casts gate to have Farooq arrive, but he doesn’t appear.

Basile goes to Pythos at the Phoenix. He demands to know more about his past, and why he needed to “sacrifice” Ciaran. Pythos tries to explain as much as he is allowed, stating that he never lied to Basile. He and Ciaran needed to be bound in order to grow stronger and achieve immortality. This will make it more difficult for the gate to Infernus to be opened. Frustrated, Basile asks how Pythos knows everything, and sells the information about their assassination plan for answers. Pythos says that the universe tells him the answers, and assures Basile that he’s on their side. Basile asks how he can trust him, since he can’t read his mind to check for the mark of Lucifer without getting hurt. Pythos says Basile can’t trust him with that logic, but Basile decides that he’s still an ally.

In the middle of town, a blue dome appears. Xylander starts clawing at it and slips inside. Dwayne waves at him, and Xylander walks away. Dwayne gets catnip and lures him back in. The next morning, Marven knocks on the dome’s “door” and looks for food. The rest of the group trickles in to prepare to leave.

The group disguises themselves as gnomes and teleport with the helm to the marketplace of Uwa’nakiamalu. The main island is a volcanic land covered in buildings decorated with shells. The temperature is very hot and humid, and surrounded by rainforests. The streets are lined with basalt that lead down to the beach.

The townspeople are surprised as a group of “gnomes” appear in town. Only Marven and Dwayne can understand the language, but Ciaran cast Comprehend Language and slaps Dwayne on the back to learn how to speak the language. Dwayne pretends he’s leading a tour group. Meanwhile, street vendors try to sell them junk or food. Marven buys 50 pounds of Mahi Mahi.

Dwayne finds the lineup for the Survivor Series tournament coming up, and finds a little girl who adores The Undergnome. She gives him the card to look over:

Andre the Gnome, One Man Gnome, King Kong Gnomeby, Ruch Bead, Rick Rude


Bulk Hogan, Paul Gnomedorff, Gnome Morracco, Ken Piterra, and Bam Bam Gnomelow

As the group continues down the street, they see carts driven by dinosaurs, and Ciaran and Alkaid go off to try and catch one to take home. The rest of the group go to the beach gym to meet with Bulk. Dwayne asks if the Undergnome will take on any challengers, and reveals himself. Bulk almost reveals that it’s Dwayne, and gets into an argument with another gnome working out at the gym about how Dwayne isn’t a complete weenie. He manages to get backstage passes and a room at the Narrow Turtle.

Basile takes his time to roam the town and read the mind of the townspeople, sensing motives to see if anyone has information on the Undergnome. Most of the townsfolk feel worried about their ways of life and are thankful for the Undergnome as he’s solving their famine.

Dwayne shows off his hook and accidentally casts Waves of Exhaustion on the beach, where all of the weight lifters get too tired to keep the weights off their chests. Bulk drops the weight on his foot and yells, “ouch brother!”

Lorn suddenly teleports in disguise as “Gnomesaw,” and watches everything. No one recognizes him except Rhaegar, Ciaran and Basile, who see through his illusion or read his mind.

Over the course of three days, Lorn studies and practices spells, and Alkaid and Ciaran manage to find and capture seven dinosaurs for the party: Velociraptor, Dire Dilophosaurus, baby Triceratops, Stegosaurus, Ornithopod, baby Brontosaurus, Pachycephalosaurus and Compsognathus. They are teleported back to Neebsenshire for Stormageddon to watch over.

When they’re ready, they travel to Kir’bati where the tournament is being held. In the middle of the island, there is The Conch Arena. All of the fighters are backstage, and they catch a glimpse of The Undergnome. He’s wearing a long cloak, mask, and hat. From what they can see of his skin, he has gray skin.

Dwayne goes up to ask for an authograph, and acts like a fanboy to try and sum him up. Ciaran and Rhaegar go to sit in the audience while the others stay backstage. Alkaid shows off her Compy to Basile, who realizes Ciaran caught dinosaurs.

The announcer, Vince McGnome, walks into the ring and starts to build up the hype. Suddenly, the Undergnome flies in and punches the announcer and tombstone’s him. He then asks who’s ready to fight, and Dwayne changes the music to his entrance. The moment it says, “can you smell what the rock is cooking,” Dwayne casts prestidigitation to make it smell like pie. Then Lorn starts to casts spells for pyrotechnics. Rhaegar asks Ciaran who to say “It’s Dwayne the Rock Gnome Johnson” in gnomish and shouts out when no one recognizes him. The Undergnome asks who dare challenge him, and Dwayne makes his stance on making their country a better place to be. They both show off their hooks and everyone loses their damn mind because TWO HOOKS. The Undergnome then reveals that he’s Dwayne’s brother, Farooq. The two banter, and Farooq agrees to a Survival Series/Hell in the Cell match.

The Undergnome, Triple Gnome, The Big Gnome, Gnome Cold Steve Austin, and Glug Swaggle.


The Rock Gnome Johnson, The Manbeast Rhino (Rocky), Mr. Purrfect (Xylander), Torque the Dragon Steamboat, and Agnak the Giant.

Ciaran casts Ghost Sound to make it sound like there is some applause among the boos in the crowd. As Torque and Agnak are gated in, the crowd starts cheering for him. A fiendish gnome walks around and jams her staff into the ground. The actual domain of Hell is dropped into the arena.

Dwayne walks in first, and the Undergnome comes up to challenge him. While the Undergnome starts shit-talking, Dwayne casts Time Stop to cast Displacement, True Sight, and Haste. Meanwhile, Marven decides he wants to fight, so with Lorn’s help he trades places with Agnak and has an illusion on him to make it look like nothing changed.

  • As soon as the bell rings, the Undergnome takes his hook and swings at Dwayne’s legs, shouting “Bone Crusher.” Dwayne’s bones start to feel brittle from the hit, and he is tripped. When Dwayne is on the ground, Undergnome slams his hook down with Bone Splitting Strike.
  • Dwayne uses Dimension Door and teleports upside down above Undergnome. As he falls down, he hooks Undergnome by the neck for a “Neck Breaker.”He then cleaves into the back of his neck.
  • The Undergnome whips around and yells “Colossus Strike” as he swings through the displaced image of Dwayne.
  • Dwayne casts Mirror Image to have four other images of him encircle him.
  • Undergnome yells, “Greater Raging Mongoose,” and Dwayne yells, “What the fuck is that?!” Undergnome swings at all of the five Dwayne’s. Two of the illusions vanish, but Dwayne is hit and tripped again.
  • Dwayne teleports away and tags in Xylander, who leaps immediately onto the Undergnome. He hasn’t eaten, and he’s ravenous. Dwayne realizes Agnak is Marven and is very confused.
  • Undergnome uses ‘Colossus Strike” and swings at Xylander. The hook is gored into the side and thrown across the ring.
  • Xylander gets back to his feet and sprints across, avoiding getting tripped, as he tags in Rocky. He charges into Undergnome.
  • Undergnome uses the custom Tombstone Piledriver maneuver by picking up Rocky (the 3-foot tall gnome against the 1000 lb rhino) and driving his head into the ground. Rocky is stunned, but he’s able to shake it off. As the Undergnome leaves to tag out, Dwayne casts Dominate Person on The Big Gnome, who walks in and immediately tags Undergnome back in.
  • The Undergnome isn’t prepared to tag back in, and Rocky charges him immediately. He takes the Zephyr lazy-boy chair he brought in with him and slams it into Undergnome.
  • The Undergnome tries to run away, but Dwayne casts Halt. Rocky grabs him by the arm to pretend to hold him back.
  • Rocky hit him around with his horn, bit his ear off, and hit him with the Zephyr chair. After seven hits, Basile suddenly realizes he never checked his mind for a Lucifer mark and sprints out so he can use telepathy before he possibly dies. Rocky walks away and carries the ear in his mouth.
  • Undergnome tags in Glug Swaggle the dwarf, and Rocky tags in “Agnak.”
  • Marven walks up and uses his Breath of Pendralar, but Glug Swaggle summons a wall of earth to block him. However, the flames bounce around and hit the team behind him. They all disintegrate, but Dwayne uses his hook to take the hit for his brother. Marven uses his Belt of Battle and flies up to blow fire down onto him, but the wall blocks it.
  • Glug Swaggle takes off his mask and curses them all. Lorn recognizes him as Glugnut and rushes in. His fist glows with a violent energy and punches Marven. He is banished to Limbo.
  • Lorn casts Time Stop, and then teleports himself into the ring. He then casts Nature’s Avatar, Chasing Perfection, Haste and Freedom of Movement. Rocky then charges at Glugnut.
  • Glugnut drops his hand, and the ground beneath Rocky’s feet turns into a blackhole. Rocky attempts to fly away and is able to resist the gravity of the blackhole. Reality starts to shift around him and swings at Rocky.
  • Alkaid rapid shoots at Glugnut, while Lorn casts Solarity to trade places with Rhaegar and Undergnome. With Undergnome in the stands, Agnak is watching him.
  • Rhaegar uses Lightning Throw and precise precision to strike Gugnut in the chest with his sword. He also uses Lions Roar.
  • Marven, in Limbo, imagines food and eats.
  • Basile runs up to Dwayne and reads the Scroll of True Resurrection. He also sends a message to Marven to check on him, and Marven is in heaven as he is in a world where he can create anything he wants. He also attempts to read Glugnut and Undergnome’s mind – Glugnut’s mind is blanked by magic and Undergnome’s mind is clear of Lucifer’s influence.
  • Dwayne comes back to life and is able to resist the effects of the blackhole. He flies up into the air and uses the hook to turn into a whale. He then drops onto Rocky and Glugnut.
  • Lorn casts Time Stop then Bite of the Werebear. Alkaid, who isn’t affected by time shenanigans, summons three more Alkaids. Lorn then casts Bane Blade on rocky, and Alkaid casts Barkskin. Lorn finally casts Reverse Gravity, and Alkaid casts Owl’s Wisdom. Dwayne, the whale, starts floating as gravity is reversed. No longer pinned down, Rocky starts swinging at Glugnut.
  • As Glugnut starts to teleport away, Lorn runs up and casts Dragon’s Mark on him. However, he is able to resist it and he teleports 20 feet away. He starts to draw the mark of Lucifer into the air and pushes it at Lorn while chanting: “By the power of Lucifer, I command your enslavement.”
  • Lorn casts Solarity to teleport everyone away by 100 feet. However, the mark continues to track him. As he’s running, he realizes that Glugnut used a Miracle to cast the spell, and starts thinking of how to stop it.
  • Alkaid studies Glugnut, while the clones start attacking. She then uses her Belt of Battle and Origin Strikes him. Her arrow hits and crits, and he’s forced to pass four will saves in order to resist being erased from time.

Glugnut slowly dissolves from time as the black hole sucks him in, and Alkaid says, “No one cares enough to bring you back.”

As the mark approaches Lorn, he realizes he can make a wish and states, “By the power of Ioun, he negates this spell.” The wish grants him Superb Dispelling, which he uses and succeeds. The mark of Lucifer vanishes just as it touches Lorn and he is safe.

Ciaran goes over to Agnak and Undergnome and teleports them back into the ring. Dwayne confronts him, stating that he wants to save their people. Everyone goes outside and Dwayne attempts to bring the islands back together. He ties a rope to the hook and throws it into the ocean while shouting “HUMUHUMUNUKUNUKUAPUA’A!” He casts Shield on himself. The hook lands in the ocean, and he reels in a fish.

When that doesn’t work, Dwayne starts to dance around with the hook and pulling energy from around the hook. It starts to vibrate, and as he move it around from the ocean across the land to the volcano. Everyone starts heading to the volcano when the volcano didn’t come to Dwayne.

At the lip of the volcano, Dwayne hears the word sacrifice and immediately pushes his brother into the volcano. When nothing happens, he turns back time. He then decides to drop the hook into the volcano. Suddenly, an earthquake starts and Basile is knocked into the volcano. As he flies back up, he sees Lorn chuckling at him and gets embarrassed.

The sky starts to turn bleak and gray, and water spout tornados start forming. Volcano’s start spitting out lava and the sea splits. The ocean starts draining away as straits start forming and natural bridges connect the islands. Lastly, the hook flies back out of the volcano and Dwayne catches it. The lava on the hook starts searing him, and he says, “Can you smell what the rock is cooking?”

Undergnome congratulates Dwayne on his success, stating that he saved the islands from their famine as they have more fertile land to farm. Alkaid makes a timeshare deal with Undergnome to bring in more revenue. When they tell him to stop the war, he doesn’t remember. Lorn walks up and probes his thoughts, and they learn that he’s been influenced by the now forgotten dwarf.

During all this time, Marven is still in Limbo. He’s chilling in a hot tub of molten gold, eating pork with Yuan-ti women. Marven creates a hot tub for Rocky with the Lady of the Lake and a rhino. Rocky tells Lorn that it will take a while to save Marven.



This weekend we had planned to play D&D with everyone, but when most of the party wasn’t able to show up, the few who did decided to have a .5 dream sequence session. So, my apologies for the very confusing notes. It was a wild ride to try and keep track of.


  • Ciaran (LVL17) and Basile (LVL19)
  • Alkaid (LVL19)
  • Dwayne (LVL18)
  • Rhaegar (LVL19)
  • Theoretical Nick, Andy, and Steve

Dwayne wants to show everyone the ways of his people and have a “tournament” of sorts. Rhaegar gets Bubbles to help Dwayne build a coliseum for the tournament to be held. Xylander licks his lips and sees the arrival of gnomes coming into Neebsenshire. In the meantime, Alkaid finds various animals (41 to be exact) to build a zoo in Neebsenshire. The animals include several turtles, a quaggoth, and a displacer beast. Ciaran rides the quaggoth and Basile watches from a distance.

When the coliseum is built, Dwayne shows Xylander the “Art of Making an Entrance” to prepare him for the tournament. He plays music and Xylander is just confused. Dwayne walks down the ramp and uses major image to make it look like the audience is sold out. Xylander’s pupils grow very large as he watches Dwayne toss a towel and pounces on him. Bubbles comes in and separates Dwayne and Xylander. He then creates a frying pan and sets Dwayne in it. Lucy comes in and starts cooking Dwayne, who counter-cooks. Bubbles goes to look for seasonings, but Dwayne has stolen the seasonings. He then seasons Bubbles and starts cooking him. Ciaran sits in the audience and cheers for Bubbles.

With Bubbles handled, Dwayne goes into the arena and calls for his opponent. A team of turtles wearing headbands come in to challenge Dwayne. They bring a cage with them. They start on all fours and then begin walking like people – the teenage mutant magic turtles have arrived. Alkaid finds an egg that one of the turtles and the displacer beast made and Ciaran gets REALLY EXCITED. Basile sits with Ciaran and reads a book.

Dwayne, Lucy and Bubbles attack the turtles. Dwayne casts Gate and an extremely muscular man bench pressing planets appears. Kord decides to stay and sits down next to Basile and asks what he’s reading. “Have you read the story of Ash Crimson? Can you get me an advanced copy?” Basile says he can probably do that.

Alkaid teleports Rhaegar into the ring, but he instead goes into a room with Death Giants and dies. His anger brings him back as a Kobold. He calls upon Ivuram for power and turns into a white dragon Kobold. He then begins to slaughter the giants.

Dwayne flips turtles over until he is able to escape the cage match and wins.

The egg that Alkaid left with Xylander hatches: A displacer turtle with roc wings is born. He comes up behind Dwayne and uses a metal chair to smash into him. Rheagar returns and asks who the hell is talking with Basile. Basile states that it’s Kord, and Kord runs down and smacks Rhaegar across the room. A roc then swoops in and picks up Rhaegar, who attacks with his feet. The roc drops him.

Kord thinks it’s boring and goes to leave, and Basile asks Kord to tell Ioun “fuck you.” Kord shouts through the gate to Ioun that “this Basile kid says ‘fuck you’ and Dwayne gates in Ioun.

The gate opens and they see Ioun inside a library. She looks at them (and hypothetically, Neebs swoops in with a nat 20 and seduces her.) Dwayne casts Time Stop to go hang out with Ioun for a bit. He cooks her baklava.

Dwayne suddenly realizes that clerics commune with gods through dreams and visions, and understands that he ACTUALLY spoke with Kord and Ioun. He then appears in a meadow all alone. A Cheshire gopher appears near Dwayne and says that he’s hungry. Dwayne gives the Ash Crimson book as food, and Basile immediately feels pain and tells Dwayne “DID YOU FEED A BOOK TO A GOPHER?”

He turns around and sees the white dragon (Alkaid in disguise) and blasts her out of fear. Rhaegar says that he’s the white dragon, and Basile blasts him, too. He walks away quickly as he can’t deal with gods and dragons.

Ciaran, who saw Ioun through the gate, attempts to plane shift to see her. He meets Dwayne and learns that he cooked her baklava. Ciaran decides that he will eat nothing but baklava.

SUDDENLY, everyone is sucked into Alkaid’s dream. Everyone appears in front of The Lair, and Alkaid says that they’re going to raid Marven’s lair. Dwayne says he had a crazy dream, and is glad that they’re awake now. Suddenly, Xylander enters with the “purr”fect entrance to music like Dwayne taught him. He then attacks Dwayne.

The group enters Marven’s lair. Dwayne shoots dice with the fire genasi as golems come out and whoop on Xylander. Basile flies past invisibly. Alkaid shoots them with arrows and teleports them into the chess board. The golems join the black team. Rhaegar and Bubbles are rooks, Ciaran is a knight, Lucy is a bishop, and Basile is a queen. Rhaegar keeps bitching and Alkaid teleports him into a room with death giants.

But then Rhaegar decides he doesn’t want to play anymore and puts everything into a stalemate. The opponents suddenly start moving forward and everyone freaks out but Basile decides to take the initiative and starts taking pawns to try and get the king. However, he’s unable to do so before their king is captured. However, the tie is in the parties favor and they move into the next room.

They see the deck of many things on a table. Dwayne picks up one card and gets cursed. He puts it into the door. Rhaegar gives Ciaran ownership of all of his items before he takes two cards from the deck. He gets bonuses to his stats. Basile and Alkaid give Ciaran all their possessions. Tork becomes Alkaid’s enemy, and Xylander gets to level if he defeats an enemy. Basile draws two cards and is able to receive a truthful answer for a question and the ability to erase one event from history. Basile realizes that he must be dreaming. However, he decides to ask how to become immortal. He erases Lorn dying from a tire iron from history and resurrects him.

They enter the next room and see Marven. He slow breaths them and they start to battle. They all attack and kill him, but Basile isn’t upset because it’s just a dream. They take his money and buy a reincarnation scroll to bring back Marven. Basile reads the scroll and Marven comes back as a Halfling.

D&D: Session 26

Happy St. Patrick’s Day! Instead of going out to the bars and drinking, we decided it would be more fun to play a session of D&D and have a personalized drinking game.

Take a drink every time:
– Rocky charges
– Lorn turns into a monkey
– Neebs hits on someone
– Dwayne tries to use glibness incorrectly
– Marven uses slow breath
– Kass plays an instrument
– Alkaid summons another Alkaid (Hard Mode: one shot for every Alkaid)
– Rhaegar throws a weapon
– Basile sends a three-way telepathic message
– Ciaran summons nature’s ally

Finish your drink when
– Rhaegar Dies

Of course, I don’t personally drink and we needed some designated drivers for the night, but it was fun to watch the madness ensue: With the rules set, let’s see how drunk everyone got:



  • Ciaran (LVL16) and Basile (LVL18)
  • Lorn (LVL18)
  • Marven (LVL18)
  • Rhaegar (LVL 18)
  • Alkaid (LVL 18)
  • Kass (LVL 17)
  • Neebs (LVL 18)
  • Dwayne (LVL 17)

In town, Alkaid proposes that Lorn help her teleport Rugen’s castle to Neebsenshire. Ciaran has a pearl of power that can be used to help Lorn if necessary. Lorn declines, because stealing from the High King of the Commonwealth isn’t a good idea. Alkaid asks Neebs if “dibs” is the law, and Neebs says it’s the highest law.

Rhaegar and Lorn look around for Basile, and Ciaran says that he went out. So Ciaran, Alkaid, and Rhaegar go hunting for bears. Rhaegar is there to hunt, but Alkaid wants to befriend it. She fails, but Rhaegar demolishes him. Ciaran senses motive and sees another bear very sad that they killed a bear. Alkaid offers to hunt down a deer, and Ciaran is happier with that because deer are supposed to be eaten but not bears.

Lorn cast Dragon Eye Rune to scry Basile and sends him a message asking where he’s going. Basile insists that he just needs some space to think. Lorn is concerned that Basile isn’t watching Ciaran, and he states that he’s still alive so Ciaran is fine. Lorn will check in with him frequently to ensure that he’s okay.

Neebs cleans the ship – or instructs others to clean it – as he observes. Kass checks in on his students and the college is thriving. Marven is teaching Lili how to walk.

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